Solitary Confinement

I love my children so dearly. They bring me joy and new perspective as I watch them grow and learn and develop. However, living with chronic pain is often very taxing on not only my body, but my mind too. Simply put, sometimes I really need a break.

I am so incredibly blessed with a husband who understands my need for quiet and rest. This last weekend he took the kids (and the very energetic dog) to Meemaw and Boppa's house while I stayed behind.

I had as much silence as I wanted. I slept as long as I needed. And I bathed when I got around to it. I didn't once leave the house all weekend. I read my book, caught up on some recorded shows, and even did some cleaning and laundry. And I did this all without panic, frustration or pressure. I think it is so easy as a mother and a woman to want to be everything to everyone (usually a self-imposed goal).

A guy I know once told me that he believes that a mother should ALWAYS want to be with her children. I wholeheartedly disagree! I believe a mother should always be there for her children and should always love and guide her children, but there is no shame in needing a little time away from the constant noise and energy.

As a result of my weekend of solitary confinement, I feel transformed. My head is clear, my energy is restored, and the enjoyment of being a mother and a wife has returned. And as I listen to my kids argue in the next room, I can honestly say that I am very happy to have my lovely family back home.

Raindrops

It's raining today. It seems unseasonably warm for where I live and I welcome it. I love the rain, it is cleansing and soothing ... and inspires my son to take longer naps! It washes away remnants of the snow, and surprisingly lifts my spirits.

I have been determined to stay on a path to finding peace and relaxation as I have been drinking water like crazy. At first all I noticed was that I had to make several runs to the ladies' room (if you know what I mean), but now I find that it fills me up so I don't snack so much. I've also been paying close attention to my breathing; here's a great technique by Dr. Andrew Weil that works great and calms me down:

(roll your tongue against the roof of your mouth and keep it there for the duration of the exercise)
breathe in through your nose for four counts
hold the breath for seven counts
and release the breath out your mouth for eight counts

Ooh, I must go refill my wine glass with some lemon/berry water now ...

Just Breathe

I am high strung and I always have been. A combination of sensory overload and the inability to cope with stress makes me into some sort of basket case. In my lifetime I have dealt with a stomach ulcer, severe acid reflux, depression and Fibromyalgia.

I really want to change this.

For Christmas I received a book called A Pace of Grace by Linda Kavelin Popov and in it she has a 10-point plan for how to live a less frenzied life. I am not very far into it, but have found the first couple of steps to be helpful. So far the steps aren't anything ground breaking (i.e. bathe every day, drink at least 8 glasses of water, eat healthy foods, practice meaningful breathing, etc), but I appreciate her approach as she explains the virtues of doing each step. She also explains clearly the concept of FOG (Fatigue, Overwhelm, Guilt) which unfortunately I identify with all too well.

The truth is I don't think I have too much to be stressed out about, but I always seem to find something that winds me tighter and tighter. The sound of my children doing acrobatics in the family room causes the dog to bark (which is worse than fingernails on a chalk board to me) and makes my heart beats faster; I yell at the dog in total frustration; my yelling makes everyone around me stressed out; and then it all happens again. It all makes me want to retreat somewhere where I don't have to hear any noise or be around any people. This is not good.

So, I am taking steps to try to improve this situation. I am breathing more ... really breathing. I have been increasing my daily exercise. More fruits and vegetables are included in my diet. And then there is my water intake: I can say that it has increased, though not as much as I would like. I have started to fill a pretty pitcher up with water everyday to have out on the counter. I will add lemon and berries to infuse the unexciting drink with some flavor, and drinking from a wine glass makes it feel more elegant.

I haven't seen any drastic changes just yet, but there are many steps left to take. I'm working on it!

Back Amongst The Living

Our family has been hard hit with all kinds of viruses and colds these last couple of weeks. It's amazing to me how much the world changes when I'm out of commission even for a couple of days. Suddenly, Autumn is in full swing with the changing leaves. All of my friends are posting photos on Facebook of their trips to the pumpkin patch, and we haven't been well enough to go yet. And stepping onto that treadmill this morning was a depressing experience as I barely made it through a half-hour even on a lower speed than usual.

Full boxes of tissues have been used, many pounds have been lost, and the tea supply has dwindled ... but finally I can say it is good to be back! I am almost my old self again, and what's even better is that my son is playing with his cars again and making people laugh. There is nothing sadder than seeing a 2 year-old lay about with zero energy for playing with his toys!

Or having a blogger to sick to, well ... blog!

Motherly Advice

For the last several days my son has been down and out with a terrible cold/flu. On Sunday night his temperature got up to a whopping 104.9°, which certainly worried me. I remembered that children can tend to run high fevers and that it isn't necessary cause for panic, but I didn't like it being that high.

My mother-in-law told me that what she used to do to naturally lower a temperature was to run a lukewarm bath and spoon the cool water over the child. So, immediately upon hearing this advice, I ran a bath. I have just two things to say about this method: first of all, it works! My son's temperature dropped to about 103.4° right after the bath. And second of all, he HATED it when I would pour the water over him. It is quite uncomfortable to have water touching your skin when you have such a high fever but it didn't harm him, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

His temperature hasn't been that high since, but he is still feeling pretty miserable and will barely eat anything. My main concern right now is dehydration. So, after seeking my mom's advice, we determined that tonight his dinner will consist of Sprite and vanilla pudding to ensure that he is getting something in his system that is easy on his tummy and that will taste good - now how could he resist that?

Thank you to my moms for your help! I would be lost without you.

Feeling Icky

Sleeping in a sea of sheets in your favorite colors is comforting when you are feeling icky.

What is it like the day after getting five shots?

- she wakes up at 3:00 am, crying out in pain
- she has a fever of 102°
- she has to be carried down the stairs because it hurts to walk
- she snuggles up on the couch with a hot water bottle and a handful of Fancy Nancy books
- she can barely eat her toast
- she actually naps during nap time

The upside: she won't need any more vaccinations until she's eleven!

Sick Day

Snuggling up on the couch with the blankie and your favorite toy helps when you are sick.

How do you know when a two year-old is sick?

- the ruddy color in his cheeks are gone
- he throws up in his cereal bowl
- he falls asleep during his favorite movie
- he falls off the couch and does nothing but lay on the floor, unmotivated to move
- he absolutely won't - no matter how much you try to get him to - smile

With Disney Cars in the DVD player and cherry Jell-O in the fridge, we will turn this sick day around.

Traveling Man

My son is also making so much progress on his walking. He is determined. He is focused. He can practically fly when using his walker. But when he senses that he is not being supported by anything, he panics and collapses. It's all about confidence and we are working on that. In fact, we are at the point where we can walk with him only using one hand!

Making our way down the driveway. He takes such big exuberant steps!

He will often pause for a moment, usually to point out a car or the wheels on a truck. He likes to take leisurely strolls and take in his environment.

Now we are really moving!

I can sense it ... it won't be long now where we won't be able to slow him down!

As Blind As a Bat

If you are a watcher of Lost you may recall the opening graphics where the word "LOST" is blurry at first, and as it moves toward you the letters become more clear, only to move away and become blurry again. Well, I experienced a lot of that today.

I went in for an eye exam and this may be unbelievable, but I have never had my eyes dilated ... until today. Wow is that a funky feeling. Some experience severe sensitivity to light; I don't so much, but it do feel a little bit like I have been crying for a long time. My eyes are tired, I can't quite find the point of focus ( I am currently backed far away from the computer as I write this), and my pupils are HUGE! I look freaky.

Driving home was interesting. It's a good thing that even though it was snowing, it wasn't yet accumulating; and fortunately I have driven that way home so many times that it didn't matter that I couldn't read any of the signs on the highway.

The conclusion to my dilation test: I have very healthy eyes and optic nerve ... but I'm still as blind as a bat!

Tongue-Tied

Speechless or confused in expression, as from shyness, embarrassment, or astonishment: this is what you may think of as the definition of "tongue-tied".

It is most commonly used as a figure of speech for the inability to form words. My son, however, was born Tongue-Tied. It is a birth defect where a web of skin holds the tip of the tongue down to the floor of the mouth, restricting tongue movement. In my son's case, he couldn't stick his tongue out past his bottom teeth. And with his second birthday fast approaching and his vocabulary developing it was time to free him of this.

Yesterday my son had a Frenulectomy. A quick procedure where he was put to sleep for about 10-15 minutes and the doctor used a cauterizer to remove the excess skin, he then applied a few stitches and that was it. It sounds simple enough, but the act of waiting with my son on the hospital bed before the surgery was not so simple. I could feel my heart catching in my chest every time I thought about him being taken away for the surgery. I'm sure he was a little confused as to why it was still dark as we headed to the surgery center and why he didn't get to eat or drink anything yet. My husband and I would pull things out of my purse (a constant source of entertainment, apparently) to keep him busy. Lipstick, ear plugs, and hand sanitizer dazzled him for a little bit which was a blessing.

Then they took him.

The nurse said they would take good care of him as she wrapped him in a warm blanket and walked away with him. He didn't cry. He didn't squirm. But I was squirming inside. Even though it was minor surgery there is just something devastating about having my baby taken away to have a piece of him removed. Even a very small piece.

After about 10 minutes the doctor came out to the waiting room - where I was trying to keep my mind off of it all by reading up on celebrity home offices in a Domino magazine - and he said that it went great, and that in a few minutes we would get to see our boy after he begins to stir. Sure enough about 5 minutes later we went to see him. He looked like he had been sleeping for hours with red cheeks and squinty eyes. I got to hold him as he slowly woke up and it's moments like that that make me feel so honored to be a mom.

He is healing very nicely and after about a week he can start to eat harder and crunchier foods. With his mouth a little sore and feeling a bit strange, he hasn't been talking a lot or sticking out his tongue, but I did see it peek out past his teeth for the first time of his life and a tear rolled down my cheek.

One Step At A Time

In yesterday's post I mentioned that my 21 month old son is not walking. After meeting with the physical therapist today I now have a better idea as to why that is. Simply put, he has "low muscle tone".

Apparently we are all born with a certain amount of muscle tone and children with more tone tend to walk sooner than those with less. Just in looking at my son's legs it is easy to see that he has no visible calf muscles. But the real issue is with his core muscles. Fortunately it there are many things that can be done to strengthen these muscles and get him ready to walk. Things like patting him firmly on the back and chest, tickling him, playing rough (without hurting him) and allowing him to cry are all good ways to stimulate his muscles to tighten.

There are ways to get him to cruise around the furniture - which he is not doing at this point - like physically moving his hips to show him how to take a step from side to side. I have already tried it with him and I can tell that he wants to move, he just doesn't have the strength or know-how to do so.

This is a relatively minor setback as long as we keep up with these exercises. And I am so relieved that these are issues that were not caused by me in any way, but that he was just born that way. In all other things he is a very healthy and happy little boy, he is thriving and learning. And I am so proud of him.

I Just Can't Get Enough

In an earlier post titled "Healthy Deliciousness" I sang the praises of the Larabar - an energy bar that is made of raw ingredients. The other day as I was doing some grocery shopping I found these addictive snacks in a variety of flavors, at my local Fred Meyer (located in the health food section by the organic chocolate bars). I immediately started throwing some into my cart, then I realized that they cost $1.59 a piece! Yeah ... I ended up buying only four.

On my way home I gobbled up a Key Lime Pie bar, which was spectacular! But I couldn't get over the price. So I decided to experiment and see if I could come up with my own bars to have on hand whenever I needed a pick-me-up. I bought whole pitted dates, unsweetened coconut, slivered almonds, unsweetened dried cherries and various other "raw" ingredients. Oh baby! I came up with a flavor that is so good I don't know if I should share ... but I will since I am such a generous person *Kelly pats herself on the back*. I got the basic recipe from Bunnyfoot, a blog that features mostly vegan cuisine.

To make one bar you will want to use about 4 Tbsp of ingredients. Here is my recipe for my Island Cookie bar:

1 Tbsp of whole, pitted dates

1 1/2 Tbsp of unsweetened coconut

1 Tbsp of unsweetened cocoa powder

1/2 Tbsp of macadamia nuts (due to the high fat content, you may want to go easy on these)

It is easiest to take a cup of dates and puree them at once. I used a food processor, first chopping, then grinding until the puree forms a ball. Removing the ball to a separate bowl, I placed my dry ingredients plus one tablespoon of the pureed dates into the processor and ground everything up together. Play around with consistency to see what you like.

Then on a piece of parchment paper, cut to fit as the wrapping for the bar, place the ground pulp. It will be a bit crumbly at first but you can form it into a bar with your hands and using the paper to gather and smoosh together. I then wrap up the bar in the parchment and place in the fridge to set.

Island Cookie Bar

What is fun about making these bars yourself is that you can experiment with different ingredients: dried fruits, nuts, juices, spices, etc. If you go to Larabar.com you can see what flavors they have and what ingredients go into them. But beware, they are addictive, high in calories (each bar is around 200 calories), and very delicious! I justify having one because of all the essential vitamins and minerals they contain, and it is a decent alternative to all that Halloween candy I have lying around the house.

NOTE: Larabars are unprocessed, raw, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, vegan, kosher, non-gmo, and have no sugar added. So as long as there are no nut allergies, these are great snacks for kids.

I am not trying to deter anyone from buying the real thing, because they are superior to the ones I made. But if you love them as much as I do, why not make your own at a fraction of the cost?

Well, I am off to make some Cherry Pie bars ...

Gym Culture

Those who know me can probably attest to the fact that I am not very athletic. I never have been. In fact I would rather stay inside and read or organize my pantry than exercise. But because I struggle with Fibromyalgia that leaves me enervated and crabby, exercise has been essential to manage my pain and stabilize my mood. So, in March I joined a gym.

I like the tennis and fitness club that I go to. The facilities are very nice, the locker rooms are clean, and cable is hooked up the the treadmills - which makes the time go by much faster. I have noticed, however, that the time of day really changes the atmosphere of the entire place.

I usually go in the evenings when my husband gets home from work. He can watch the kids and I can have some time to myself. I enjoy the drive because I get to go past the yacht club which has a nice coastal feeling to it, even though it is not on the ocean, but a large lake. I listen to NPR radio and get caught up on our nation's politics or new music on the World Café. I typically will do cardio when I get there; the treadmill or stationary bike. But I rarely do weight lifting. I admit it, it is because I am a little intimidated by the people in the weight room. After 5:00 is when the twenty-somethings do their workout and the men in particular make loud, laborious grunting noises and check themselves out in the mirror. Since I use the power ball for my crunches and weight lifting, I always feel that I am in the way or that everyone is watching me. It is probably all in my head, but I don't like that added pressure.

In the last week I have started going in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The place has a totally different feeling to it as it is almost all women. Today I went right over the the weights and did my routine without feeling watched or judged. I completed my 30 minutes on the treadmill next to an older gentleman who was actually going slower than me. And I didn't care that my work out clothes weren't attractive (trust me, they weren't!). I was comfortable and able to push myself. It's amazing what a simple change in time can do.

However, I am a little puzzled as to why they play ACDC and Kid Rock for the men in the evenings and Wilson Phillips and Air Supply for the women in the mornings. I thinks I'll have to complain to the management about that; it is hard to get pumped to soft rock ballads!

The Fog

Those who know me know I am afflicted with Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with this chronic pain syndrome in 2002, and the last six years have been spent trying to manage this unpredictable condition. Aside from the widespread muscle aches, fatigue, upset stomach and occasional headaches, I also deal with something known as "Fibro Fog".

Fibro Fog affects people in different ways ranging from forgetting what you meant to get from the grocery store, to forgetting how to get home from the grocery store. It is often described as a ping pong ball being rattled around in the head. To me it feels more like a fan blowing into my ears on high speed. The way I am typically affected is that I form a sentence in my mind and when I speak it comes out all messed up. It's kind of embarrassing actually, because to someone who doesn't know me, I'm just a really bad speaker.

In the last few months I have been dealing with the Fog on a whole other level. Instead of forgetting details, I go on complete sensory overload. Flourescent lights, sharp and alarming sounds, and cold air conditioning can make me disoriented. It is like my brain cannot process all of the stimuli and it goes haywire. So, imagine what happened to me last night when my son was screaming, a high pitched shrill scream in an enclosed car.

We were driving home late, and my son who doesn't like riding in cars started crying. Then he decided to practice the new skill of screaming - which he learned from his sister - and let me tell you, that boy has lungs! I was already tired and cranky from the trip, but hearing that sound coupled with the blasting air conditioner and my daughter going "Moooom! Mom? Mom?" was absolute torture. I didn't know what to do or how to handle the situation. So I just started crying uncontrollably. Then apparently I was so stressed out that I bit my tongue and my cheek, and I didn't even notice it until today when it really hurts.

Fibromyalgia may not be life threatening, but it certainly is life altering. Why am I writing about all of this? Well, it's not about feeling sorry for myself. But, I do want to be able to look back on this post some day - hopefully when I am Fibro free - and revisit that feeling. And be grateful that those days are gone, that I didn't have a more serious disease to deal with ... and that my kids learned to ride in the car without having and causing a total breakdown!