Little Monsters

When I was a little girl I was afraid of monsters.


Now as a grown woman I find them to be good company.

A Keen Observation

On a recent day our family was driving along in a car. Noticing that there was little noise inside and outside the vehicle, I remarked "Oh, it's pretty quiet today". And without skipping a beat, my daughter said "That's because I haven't been saying anything!"

Meet Paul & Louise

"Hey, how would you like a 90 year-old boyfriend?" he hollered over the back fence. A little curious and otherwise speechless, I headed over to the fence with fresh baked cookies in hand. I offered him one, which he took with obvious delight, and then he invited my husband and I over to his house to see his clock shop. This is how I met Paul.

Not long after moving into a small rental house in Eugene, Oregon, we had become acquainted with our elderly neighbor. Finally after I was the object of a few of his harmless advances, my husband and I did head next door to see his shop. He had converted his garage into his workshop where he had clock of every kind, size and age. Then we met his wife, Louise - a very petite lady with tight gray curls. She was obviously used to Paul's flirting because one inappropriate remark from him caused her to shake her head and roll her eyes.

We moved a year later when we bought our first house, saying goodbye to the funny couple next door. As we moved our belongings into our new home we discovered that the previous owners left behind a pair of cement squirrels that sat on the front stoop. Although they weren't the most attractive of yard ornaments, we fell in love with them and affectionately named them: Paul and Louise.

We have since moved twice and brought our little friends with us where they sit in our front yard supplying whimsy and good memories. Louise is the one in the front, being chased by the wily Paul. Her head is turned to one side, looking for a way to escape while an amorous Paul is in hot pursuit. And Louise's tail is cracked, evidence that Paul captured her a time or two.

Louise

Paul is gaining speed!

It's been eight years since our meeting and I don't know if Paul and Louise are still on this earth. But I know that they will live on, their essence forever remembered ... in our front yard.

Letters Of Complaint

Dear Fabric & Craft Stores,

First I would like to say that I understand the need to make money. I mean, this has been a tough year for businesses - franchised and locally owned. And I understand the desire to draw customers in by displaying things to fuel their creativity.

But ... is it really necessary to put out your animatronic Halloween displays in the middle of July? I mean, come on! I don't like escaping into your store from the 95° weather outside, only to be greeted by the wailing of ghosts and cackling of witches. Furthermore, I am a HUGE fan of the autumn season and I start to yearn for it every time I pass by your isle of clove and cinnamon scented candles.

Please have mercy on one of your best customers.

Respectfully yours,
Longing For Hot Cider And Chunky Wool Sweaters

--------------------

Dear Nutrisystem Marketers:

I am confident that your diet plan works. You have many famous celebrities and "regular people" to attest to that. However, is it necessary to have your mini-infomercial play EVERY commercial break? Do you really believe that monopolizing the airwaves with your gibberish about how good your pasta and burgers are is well received?

Truth be told, I either roll my eyes, mute the TV, or leave the room every time that annoying Gillian-what's-her-name talks about how cool she is because she can catch a football. Big whoop! And really I probably wouldn't be so annoyed with your commercials if you didn't play them so frequently.

Sincerely,
The Most Annoyed TV Watcher EVER

Mr. Squinchy Face

With all of the moving around he's been up to lately, it is a rare treat to capture (although not very skillfully) the favorite and most beloved expression affectionately dubbed ... Mr. Squinchy Face!

E-mails From a Princess

This was too funny not to share. My daughter composed an e-mail to her Meemaw ...

(dictated by our girl, typed by Daddy)


Meemaw

Thank you for the sparkle dress, Mom and Dad is going on a date, I'm going to the babysitter, I think that's all.

I love you!

I jump a lot! I run a lot! I think a lot! I listen a lot! I don't listen very well! I love pancakes! I love knitting!


Oh, how the four year-old mind works!

A Travel Must-Have

Since I have recently become a knitter, I will often look at knitting blogs for great pattern ideas or just to look at what other knitters work on. Today, I was looking at knittisings.com and came across one of the funniest and strangest things EVER!

Behold the Laptop Compubody Sock!

It is designed to provide privacy while you work on your computer in public places and it keeps your ears warm at the same time! I would like to see one of these worn with a Snuggie over it, that would be awesome! It is one of many hand-knitted inventions known as "Body-Technology Interfaces". More can be seen at sternlab.org, but I will post a few of my favorites:

Cell Phone Ski Mask - This would be a good thing for all of the parents who take their kids to school in the morning. Many of them seem to have a phone permanently attached to their ear anyway.

The Keyboard Kozy - Now, this looks ridiculous, but my hands are always cold and I think it kind of makes sense. Besides, anyone with decent keyboarding skills should be able to type without looking at the keys, right?

Ski Mask for Eating a Sandwich - This is SO funny looking! Completely impractical of course ... unless you are a nose picker and don't want anyone to see.

Wow! I think people have way too much time on their hands!

How Much Is That Fairy In the Window?

Entirely by her own choice and motivation, my daughter dressed up as Tinkerbell yesterday and decided to clean anything in our house made of glass (the connection with the costume and the desire to clean is unknown). Our Windex supply is running low, but good golly my office window is sparkling clean!

It's Okay to Be Funky, and It's Okay to Love

I am a firm believer that God has a sense of humor. I mean, look at a Shar Pei puppy! They are the goofiest looking things and God created them! If He doesn't take himself too seriously all the time, why should we?

That brings me to a movie that I found to be well worth the 93 minutes of its duration. In fact, I don't think I have laughed this hard in years! Sons of Provo is a film I wholeheartedly recommend. Imagine: Provo, Utah. An LDS boy band called Everclean. Mocumentory style. If you like The Office you will thoroughly enjoy this! This film pokes fun at the Mormon culture and religion, but in a goodnatured way, after all, it is an LDS production. There is no swearing, no violence, no sex ... but a lot of laughs!

Everclean strives to be the 'N Sync of LDS church goers. They work with a ballet teacher to learn how to bust out "wicked moves". They travel around the state of Utah and perform such hits as Dang,Fetch,Oh My Heck, Nourish and Strengthen and my personal favorite, Diddly Wack Mack Mormon Daddy. Sure they live up to the stereotypes, but it's a spoof and they have a sense of humor about it. They remind us that "It's okay to be funky, and it's okay to love".

Here are the lyrics to their song, Everclean:

Everclean
Cleaner than Listerine
Mellower than Dramamine
Not even close to obscene
We sing songs Sweeter than sugar tongs
Hopin’ we can right some wrongs
Bringin’ love to the throngs

I will boogie for my wages
With that rock and roll of ages
We’re a spiritchal sensation and a triple combination
We’ll be lovin’ one another I said word unto your brother
Sons of Provo, this is who we are. Cause we are.

Chorus

Separate the tares from the wheat
Just play that funky Mormon beat
Move my legs inside these pants and watch this crazy Mormon prance
I’ll convert you with precision I’m a Mormon on a mission
Sons of Provo, listen to us roar

Chorus

When upon life’s billows, I can’t figure things out
With my crazy Mormon posse, we’ll sing and we’ll shout! Yeah!
Everclean Baby, you can be my queen
If you’re over seventeen I won’t treat you mean
Don’t be a punk
Put your shoulder to the funk
I’ll be livin’ like a monk
And I’ll be lookin’ like a hunk

Everclean Better than pork and beans
Handsomer than Charlie Sheen
A lean mean singin’ machine
We’ll be here
Climbin’ like a mountaineer
‘Til the end of time that’s clear
And we would never drink a beer



Now come on ... that's funny! Put in on your Netflix queue, and get ready to enjoy the funk!

Kelly's 2009 To-Do List

I just realized that I have been a blogger for six months! Yup, I started this thing on July 1st and wasn't sure how it was going to go to be perfectly honest. I mean who wants to read all of the silly stuff that I have to say? A few people I guess!

I have enjoyed the journey into the blog world. I am inspired by other blogs. I love to read up on how friends are doing. And I love to fuss around with the graphics on my page. I admit that my favorite is my ever changing "Kelly blog paper doll"; changing her clothes and expression is a complete waste of time and a lot of fun to do.

And now as it is the new year I am thinking about starting fresh and setting goals. Now I am not going to list my resolutions because I don't make them. The way I see it is that it just sets me up for failure ... and then I'll read about my failures because I listed them ... and then I'll feel bad that I failed. I will, however, post a to-do list that I can actually do (I was inspired by the "Reality Check" page in Real Simple Magazine).

Kelly's Totally Accomplishable To-Do List:

• Wake up and immediately grumble something about coffee.
• Do everything in my power to avoid blow-drying my hair .
• Check my e-mail, Facebook and blog at least 15 times a day.
• Call my son "Mr. Handsome" and my daughter "Bear" at least once.
• Procrastinate cleaning the kitchen, but eventually get to it.
• Make some snarky remark about the ridiculously slow driver in front of me.
• Find the only source of chocolate in the house and deplete it.
• Forget to charge my cell phone.
• Wish I was sipping mineral water at a Paris cafe while gnawing on a baguette sandwich.
• Put off doing actual work or anything business related.
• Stare at my cluttered office and think I should organize it, then go check my Facebook.
• Try not to get sucked in to a rerun of CSI.
• Try to solve the crime on CSI.
• Plan to go to the gym after husband gets home.
• Get too involved in something at home to go to the gym ... completely by accident of course!
• Sip a little glass of wine while making dinner.
• Listen to daughter complain that she doesn't like dinner.
• Put kids to bed and give them lots of kisses.
• Decide whether to knit or read until bed.
• Forget to wash my face before bed.
• Try to name all 50 of the state capitals when I can't get to sleep.

See, I know I can look back on this list that I posted and feel really good about my accomplishments!

The Show Did Go On

One of the things I looked forward to most about having a child in school (besides a few moments of peace) is the school Christmas program. Last night my daughter joined her peers to perform a fun filled evening of songs, the Pledge of Allegiance, and many, many laughs.

Being the fashionista that she is, she picked out a tasteful black and white dress for her appearance. All weekend long she begged to wear it but we were firm in that it wasn't to be worn until her program. And for a while, I was uncertain as to whether the weather would permit the show to go on. With temperatures in the teens and recent snowfall, it was quite frightful outside. But we made it! And we were surprised by Boppa and Meemaw who decided to come down for the night to see their granddaughter in her first school program. How wonderful!

It was fun to see other parents anticipating the nights events. The staff at the preschool were all dressed so nicely and there was a slide show featuring the kids before the performance began. And when the kids lined up on the stage, there was no denying that we were in for quite a treat.

Before the show begins, my son is fascinated by the lights.

One girl sneezed so hard a big strand of snot shot out of her nose. When the kids started to sing The B-I-B-L-E song, they were singing it so loud, oblivious of how the audience was reacting, we all started laughing. I was laughing so hard I was crying! With great gusto the kids used their hands to resemble reindeer antlers. There was dancing. One girl lifted two of the three layers of her dress up. And one kid was singing as if he were a drill sergeant giving orders. It was a great night!

My daughter is going on stage with the rest of her class. In no time she was waving like a beauty queen and soaking up the spotlight.

I remember singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer as a kid. I wonder if it was just as hilarious.

My daughter was in the front and got to dance. Here she is groovin'.

My boy, watching his sister on stage.

He's a dapper man. I think there is nothing cuter than a tie on a little boy ... even if it is a clip-on.

There Will Be Applause

Much like her mother, my daughter is quite creative. She has a hair clip where the butterfly came off of it and instead of asking Daddy to glue it back on, she asked him to make an ornament out of it. So, he drilled two holes in it, attached some fishing line, and gave it to her to hang on the tree. Needless to say, she was quite excited about that. So excited that she said this:

"Guess what Mom! At our house there are going to be a lot of people and they are ALL going to clap for Daddy because he made the butterfly ornament!"

Now, I don't know who these people are and when they will come to our house, but it's good to know that Daddy will get the applause he deserves. Hee, hee!

The Hunt Is On

This woman is funny. She is quick witted, smart, delightful, and happens to have a new talk show that I am actually willing to watch. I have always liked Bonnie Hunt. She usually plays the best friend, the sister, or the mother role in her movies, but I have never actually seen her as herself.

I don't like talk shows. I find The View to be catty, Ellen obviously has an agenda, and Oprah is too New Age for my taste. And don't even get me started on Rosie O'Donnell! But The Bonnie Hunt Show is just a talk show. She talks to people, usually celebrities, and has an ability to make anyone comfortable. She modeled her set after Dean Martin's show in the 1950s and has a fireman's pole for her guests to make a real entrance if the choose to. Today I saw David Archuleta slide down the pole and I was quite surprised to see such a shy young man take such a risk!

Ever since seeing Bonnie in one of my favorite movies, Only You, I have liked her. I think she is beautiful, genuine and it's pretty cool that she still seeks the advice of her mom (who is often a guest on her show). So, even if you don't watch much television during the day like me, it is worth it to tune into her show once in a while for a good laugh.

Snuggie Up With A Good Slanket

Recently I saw a short infomercial for a product that is so simple, so functional, and so ridiculous looking I had to investigate further. It is called the Snuggie. Basically it is a fleece blanket with sleeves that you wear like a backward robe. I had to laugh because these things make a person look like a Star Wars character.

The thing is, I actually think it is a good idea from a practical stand point. I love to snuggle up with a blanket but don't have much freedom to move my arms without exposing them to the cold air. But seriously, it looks hilarious. And the sad thing is that I actually kind of want one ... kind of.

This is a Slanket. These things look like monk robes - or like characters from a galaxy far, far away. Hmm, maybe I should write to them and suggest that they market them to Princess Leia and Obi Wan Kenobi fans!

The Snuggie only comes in three colors but the Slanket (which is basically the same thing, but appears to be a better product) comes in 10 colors including Castle Rock and Texas Tea. I like the Moss Green myself.

So if you come to my house and it takes me a while to answer the door, it's probably because I am wrapped up in one of these things and I'm frantically ditching the evidence!

Pantry Raid

Look carefully, the title of this post is Pant-R-y Raid ... just to clarify! There is a difference between the story in which I am about to tell you and the tales of college pranks.

My little boy loves to get into things. This is no surprise since he is an 18 month-old and has the curiosity of a cat. His favorite thing used to be to open and close the pantry doors. Now he particularly enjoys taking everything out of the pantry (that is within his reach) and leave it all out on the kitchen floor for Mommy to trip over. His most recent gig is to pull out food and attempt to open the boxes and tins, and dumping the contents on the floor.

As you will see from the photo below, one lazy Saturday morning he succeeded in finding a box of graham crackers and helping himself. In fact, there were quite a few crackers left in the box and he ate them ALL! Of course we thought it was too cute to prevent him from doing so. Naturally we grabbed a camera instead and started clicking away.

As you can tell he is very pleased with himself! Don't you just love the Spider-Man pajamas?

Poop Marks the Spot

Lovely title, right? Well, let me just say that if the title offends you, don't read any further. But if crazy weird happenings interest you, keep on reading. This is something I just have to share.

This evening I was getting my son ready for bed. I was in his room, changing his diaper and getting him in his pajamas. As I get him ready I usually like to go over words with him like "Mommy" and "Da Da" so he can practice. Then I was trying to get him to point to Daddy or his big sister. I said "Is Daddy over here?" as I pointed to the U.S. map above his changing table, my finger landing on Mexico. My son made some undecipherable sounds and smiled.

Then my husband asked, "What is that?" I looked to where he was pointing and there was a little clump of something the size of a pinto bean stuck on the map - near Estes Park, Colorado! Upon further visual investigation, I feared that it may have been poop. After some olfactory investigation, it turns out we were right ... it was poop! My husband removed it with a baby wipe (fortunately the map was laminated!) and found that it was fairly fresh.

I know, gross! Still it is a total mystery as to how it got there. Ironically it landed on the map not far from where my dad lives. The strange thing is that Colorado on the map nearly two feet above the surface of the changing table, so why did poop fly up so high? It's a mystery - one that I 'm not sure I want to solve.