It Just About Broke My Heart

Another topic was planned for today's post: something along the lines of my personal beef with fast food joints - pardon the bun ... I mean pun. That will have to wait because I want to talk about something else.

My daughter has the biggest and sweetest heart. It's amazing how sensitive and thoughtful she is for being four years old. Today I have been feeling pretty bad. Due to Fibromyalgia my muscles have been hurting and my head aching. As soon as my husband got home from work I hobbled up the stairs to take a hot bath. Once out of the bath I went into my room to find a card sitting on the bed. The front read "MoM - FEEL BEttEr". It was very legible and nicely written. Inside is a face with spiky hair (my son), face with ears on the top of its head (our cat) and various other less recognizable scribblings. On the back it says "10-16-08". Needless to say I was touched.

I went downstairs to thank my family. I found out that my daughter made the card all by herself with only a little help on how to spell some of the words. She told me she loves me and wants me to feel better. My sweet girl.

Then I wanted to go back upstairs to lay down and rest. She begged to come up with me. I told her that I needed to be by myself for a while (loud noises and bright lights aggravate my symptoms) and asked her to stay downstairs with Daddy. She started to cry. My heart sank. I then heard her crying to Daddy, "Daaad, I am just sad because Mom doesn't feel good and I want to lay down with her so she can feel betteeerrr!" I almost started to cry as I sneaked up the stairs.

I feel incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful family ... and like a terrible person for not feeling well enough to snuggle with my good-natured child.

Gym Culture

Those who know me can probably attest to the fact that I am not very athletic. I never have been. In fact I would rather stay inside and read or organize my pantry than exercise. But because I struggle with Fibromyalgia that leaves me enervated and crabby, exercise has been essential to manage my pain and stabilize my mood. So, in March I joined a gym.

I like the tennis and fitness club that I go to. The facilities are very nice, the locker rooms are clean, and cable is hooked up the the treadmills - which makes the time go by much faster. I have noticed, however, that the time of day really changes the atmosphere of the entire place.

I usually go in the evenings when my husband gets home from work. He can watch the kids and I can have some time to myself. I enjoy the drive because I get to go past the yacht club which has a nice coastal feeling to it, even though it is not on the ocean, but a large lake. I listen to NPR radio and get caught up on our nation's politics or new music on the World Café. I typically will do cardio when I get there; the treadmill or stationary bike. But I rarely do weight lifting. I admit it, it is because I am a little intimidated by the people in the weight room. After 5:00 is when the twenty-somethings do their workout and the men in particular make loud, laborious grunting noises and check themselves out in the mirror. Since I use the power ball for my crunches and weight lifting, I always feel that I am in the way or that everyone is watching me. It is probably all in my head, but I don't like that added pressure.

In the last week I have started going in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The place has a totally different feeling to it as it is almost all women. Today I went right over the the weights and did my routine without feeling watched or judged. I completed my 30 minutes on the treadmill next to an older gentleman who was actually going slower than me. And I didn't care that my work out clothes weren't attractive (trust me, they weren't!). I was comfortable and able to push myself. It's amazing what a simple change in time can do.

However, I am a little puzzled as to why they play ACDC and Kid Rock for the men in the evenings and Wilson Phillips and Air Supply for the women in the mornings. I thinks I'll have to complain to the management about that; it is hard to get pumped to soft rock ballads!

The Fog

Those who know me know I am afflicted with Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with this chronic pain syndrome in 2002, and the last six years have been spent trying to manage this unpredictable condition. Aside from the widespread muscle aches, fatigue, upset stomach and occasional headaches, I also deal with something known as "Fibro Fog".

Fibro Fog affects people in different ways ranging from forgetting what you meant to get from the grocery store, to forgetting how to get home from the grocery store. It is often described as a ping pong ball being rattled around in the head. To me it feels more like a fan blowing into my ears on high speed. The way I am typically affected is that I form a sentence in my mind and when I speak it comes out all messed up. It's kind of embarrassing actually, because to someone who doesn't know me, I'm just a really bad speaker.

In the last few months I have been dealing with the Fog on a whole other level. Instead of forgetting details, I go on complete sensory overload. Flourescent lights, sharp and alarming sounds, and cold air conditioning can make me disoriented. It is like my brain cannot process all of the stimuli and it goes haywire. So, imagine what happened to me last night when my son was screaming, a high pitched shrill scream in an enclosed car.

We were driving home late, and my son who doesn't like riding in cars started crying. Then he decided to practice the new skill of screaming - which he learned from his sister - and let me tell you, that boy has lungs! I was already tired and cranky from the trip, but hearing that sound coupled with the blasting air conditioner and my daughter going "Moooom! Mom? Mom?" was absolute torture. I didn't know what to do or how to handle the situation. So I just started crying uncontrollably. Then apparently I was so stressed out that I bit my tongue and my cheek, and I didn't even notice it until today when it really hurts.

Fibromyalgia may not be life threatening, but it certainly is life altering. Why am I writing about all of this? Well, it's not about feeling sorry for myself. But, I do want to be able to look back on this post some day - hopefully when I am Fibro free - and revisit that feeling. And be grateful that those days are gone, that I didn't have a more serious disease to deal with ... and that my kids learned to ride in the car without having and causing a total breakdown!